Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
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My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize