remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
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We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
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gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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