decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
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I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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