I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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