Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
it's like heaven, but drunker
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
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Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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