Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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