apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
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know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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