she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
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The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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