he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
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The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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