Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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