Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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