I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
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I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
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The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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