eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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