so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
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I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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