you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
