I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
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I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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