My underwear smells like fireworks.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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