he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
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Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i now understand why vodka
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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