I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
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Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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