I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
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My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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