I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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