Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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