my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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