So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
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I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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