Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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