I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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