i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
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Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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