two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We talked him into tasing himself.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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