i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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