My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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