i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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