literally had 100 drinks last night.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
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Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
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The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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