I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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