you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
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I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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