I wish I could punch you in the face.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
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I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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