WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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