Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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