So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
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But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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