Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
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It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
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Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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