i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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