Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
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Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
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Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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