i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
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