So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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