whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
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I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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