You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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