Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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