I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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