Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
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my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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