1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
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how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
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Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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