:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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