i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
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Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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